My Bestest Friend in the World
by footshooter
Summary: Crack. The Joker and Batman enjoy some downtime. Kinda. Swears and general madness \while I enjoy some downtime from my other fic/


**A/N: Dedicated to *my* bestest friend in the entire world and semi-based on real events. Nothing like my other Batman fic. Just intended for a bit of fun, and a bit of cheering up. Will be done in 3 parts. **

* * *

><p>The Joker woke up and walked out into his living room, yawning and heading for the kitchen cupboard. It was only when he was there, bent over and picking out a box of cereal that he realised something was amiss.<p>

And then there was a cough.

He froze, literally butt-naked with his arse in the air, and then straightened up, turning slowly around to face the woman sat on his sofa.

"Ur, hi…"  
>"Good morning."<p>

He didn't think there was any point trying to cover his cock now, and so tried to look physically imposing while standing naked in his kitchen, holding a box of Shreddies.

"I, ah… why are you in my living room?"

Ivy shrugged, "I need a lift."  
>"And?"<br>"And you can drive."  
>"Uh, so can you."<p>

"I've never tried, actually. Horrible contraptions, choking the environment."  
>"So why…?"<br>"Because I want to go shopping, and I'm wearing heels."

The Joker didn't know if it was that he'd just woken up, or if it was because he was genuinely in a fucking weirder situation than he normally was that he was suddenly stood, naked in his rather cold kitchen with a dry mouth and a craving for cereal. And that was saying something.

"Ah, so can I have breakfast first, or what?"  
>"It's 4pm."<p>

"I had a late night…"

Ivy's gaze travelled down to the bruises on his chest, and further. She smirked and he tried not to blush.

"I can see."

He filled a bowl as she switched on the television, and then slunk into his bedroom to put some pants on muttering, "It _is _cold in here."

…

"Hurry _up_," Ivy said, sighing.

"Hey! It's not _easy _to cover these scars just so I can take you shopping."

"You make it sound so domestic."  
>"Yeah, well, you've seen my cock now. It might as well be."<br>"Don't kid yourself, Batman would get jealous."

"Surprisingly enough, he's never _seen _my cock."

"I doubt that."  
>"Do you want me to drive you there, or not?"<p>

"_You_destroyed one of my plants. It's the least you can do!"

The Joker pulled a face in the mirror, and finished applying the final touches to the make-up on his face. He walked out of the bathroom and picked up car keys from the table.

"Come on then."

"Nice job with the prosthetics, there."

"Yeah, well, I know make-up, don't I? Now are you _coming_ or not?"

He stamped out of the door, with Ivy tottering after him and got into the car, slamming the door behind him. She sat down into the passenger seat as gracefully as she could and, before she'd actually shut the door the Joker was driving away.

"Ah, careful. I'd like to get there _alive_."

"I hate shopping."  
>"Tough."<p>

They reached the shopping centre and the Joker pulled into a random space, stopping abruptly and yanking the handbrake on, causing Ivy to jerk forwards slightly. She sniffed and he laughed, softly before jumping out of the car and onto the path.

"Let's get this over with, then. What do you need?"

They walked in through the entrance, and the Joker's attention was instantly elsewhere. Ivy was slightly upset by this, and even more so when the Joker slunk off from a step behind her to the other side of the mall. Who did he think he was? Practically the whole place was staring at her, and yet the scarred freak who she came down with just wandered away. She narrowed her eyes and followed him.

The Joker was stalking a rather famous individual. Bruce Wayne pulled out his phone and frowned at the screen.

Joker

06/01/2011 16:39

_BRUCEY!_

He turned to look behind him, and then someone grabbed hold of his wrist and yanked. He was pulled backwards into a fairly young man who he didn't recognise for a couple of seconds and then he blinked.

"What the hell happened to your face?"

The Joker laughed, "That's the first time someone's, ah, asked me that when I've had the latex on…"  
>"What're you doing here?"<br>"She's made me take her _shopping_, Bruce. It's terrible."

"Who?"

At that moment Ivy strode into sight looking murderous.

"Oh, _her_."  
>"I think I'm scared, Brucey."<p>

"You think?"  
>"I think. I don't know. I've never felt scared before."<p>

He pulled out his phone, "Maybe I should ask Johnny."

"Don't get him down here for fucks sake. It's like the Arkham day out."

"Oh, I should have _known _you'd be sneaking off to meet up with your _boyfriend_," she spat.

"He's not my boyfriend," Bruce said, and she laughed.

"Come _on_, J. Or the plants will be upset. And I'll tell everyone exactly _what_ I saw this morning."

She pulled out her phone and narrowed his eyes.

"You didn't!"

"Who can say?"

The Joker cringed and reluctantly took a few steps forward, dragging Bruce along with him.

"What are you doing?"  
>"I'm not going this alone, Bruce. I'm just not."<br>"Why me?"  
>"You're here! And I'm not allowed to get Jonathan down, apparently. Your words."<p>

"What did she see this morning."  
>"My, ah, penis. She broke into the flat."<br>"Oh, Christ."  
>"And it was cold."<br>"Cringe."  
>"Tell me about it… She's terrifying."<p>

"What if she's shopping for… _clothes_?" Bruce whispered.

"Oh my god…"

They trailed after Ivy like two kids, dragging their feet and staying a good meter behind, and it wasn't long before they were giggling and pushing each other into pillars.

"Pole," Bruce said, and elbowed the Joker, using his weight advantage to push him sideways.

"Don't try and push me into a pole!"

Bruce laughed and the Joker shoved him back. He stumbled slightly, then did it again.

"Ivy."  
>"Don't even think about it. I'll just walk with my elbows out."<p>

The Joker and Bruce looked at each other, horrified, and then laughed again.

"Couple of kids," Ivy muttered and they tried to suppress the giggles.

"By the way, how do you have my phone number?"  
>The Joker shrugged, "Can't remember now. It'll've been something extravagant, though."<p>

"Fair enough."

"I'm hungry," the Joker said. "Ivy," he adopted a more whinging tone. "I'm hungry."

"Tough."

"Bitch."  
>"What was that?"<br>"Nothing."

"Fucking prick."  
>"Hmm?"<br>"Nothing."

"I'm thirsty," Bruce said, and then adopted the Joker's tone. "Ivy, I'm thirsty."  
>"For fucks sake! I'm not your mother!"<p>

They started laughing again, and she continued to browse the shelves.

"God, this is dull," the Joker said. "And she keeps wandering off. It's like she doesn't want to be seen with us."  
>"Woman like her, she's always on the lookout for a bloke. No one approaches when they see us. See, look, she's flirting now."<p>

"Let's kill it."

"Hey, Ivy! Stop wandering off," the Joker said, stopping dead in fake annoyance. The man made his excuses and bustled off.

"_Why _did you do that?"  
>"Do what?"<br>"_That_."  
>"Thought I'd lost you."<p>

She stormed off and the Joker winked at Bruce.

"Win."

They followed her around three or four more shops before Bruce got cornered by a fangirl, much to the Joker's amusement.

"Who's _that_, Bruce?" the woman asked.

"Which one? Oh, I…rene."

The Joker started to giggle.

"It's not me you need to worry about, love," Ivy said, walking past and smirking.

The Joker grabbed his hand, "Yeah. Come on, _Brucie_."

He pulled him off, past the scandalised looking woman and after Ivy.  
>"Oh, you absolute prick. I bet she was a journalist."<p>

The Joker laughed and dropped Bruce's hand.

"She did look like a journalist."

Bruce cringed.

They lost Ivy again in a cheap bookshop.

"D'ya wanna just bail?"

"Bail where?"  
>"I dunno. Pub? Food and drink. Arkham? Hell? Fucking anywhere but here!"<p>

"Yeah, alright then. I'll tell Alfred not to pick me up."  
>"You got <em>dropped off<em>."  
>"I'm supposed to have a back injury which prevents me from driving."<br>"Lol."  
>"Did you just say 'lol'?"<br>"Yep."

"Oh em gee."  
>"Twat."<br>"Yeah."

They made it to the car park before Ivy noticed they'd actually gone, and she was only just out of the shop when they hopped in the car and sped off in a frankly alarming fashion.

"Jesus, can you drive like a normal person please?"  
>"Can't promise that, no."<p>

He drove to a pub and then handbrake stopped in the car park, jolting Bruce forwards.

"What the hell?"  
>"It's nice in here. Quiet. Good food."<br>"Okay then. I'll take your word for it."

Bruce didn't really know or understand why Batman and the Joker were in a pub together. But, at least it was better than being in a shopping centre together.


End file.
